Day 435: The Ultimate Test

Happy New Year!! There’s something magical about January, isn’t there? Anything feels possible. I feel as if 2021 is going to be even more transformative than 2020 was, for everyone. But to truly begin anew, one has to leave the past in the past. And guess who popped back into my life a few weeks ago? You guessed it, my ex.

On December the 21st, he texted me. I hadn’t spoken to him in more than half a year, so I kind of freaked. He said he was curious about my Spotify Wrapped list, which I found cute because that used to be our thing. I had thought about texting him and asking for it, but I decided not to, so it was funny to see he had the same idea. So we talked. At first a bit about the songs in our lists, then about me being alright after having a tough time this year with depression and anxiety, and then about the fact that he is/was in therapy, which impressed me. It wasn’t a long conversation, but of course over the next few days the only thing on my mind was: would he want me back? This wouldn’t be the first time he used music as a way of trying to get back into my heart. But you never know with him. So that started of the process of me trying to figure out if I would actually want him back. I have been alright the last few months, more than alright. I have been feeling happy, balanced, and in a loving relationship with myself and my friends. And I noticed how much impact this guy can have on my inner peace, and for the first time I realised that is not a good thing. It’s weird, because if I’m honest I have often silently wished on stars and eyelashes that eventually he and I would find our way back to each other, but now that he actually reached out, the emotion I felt strongest was fear. Fear or losing myself in someone else again, of sacrificing my well-being for someone else again.

However, me being me, I started to picture us together in my mind again. But something just seemed off. The only thing I could really imagine was him holding me in his arms or having sex with him. And granted, that would probably be pretty great, but I couldn’t picture myself with him in a relationship that I would want. Over the past few months I have slowly started to develop strong romantic feelings for a close friend of mine, and I started to compare him with my ex. That friend has truly raised my standards when it comes to men, even though I’m not in a relationship with him and probably never will be. But the level of respect, emotional openness and communication I get from him are things I have never seen in my ex. Of course I wondered if with the help of a professional, he could come to possess these qualities. But I don’t want to force things on him, simply so that he will be moulded into the perfect boyfriend for me. He is my ex for a reason. We weren’t compatible. And there’s always the pitfall of wanting to apply what you’ve learned with the same person, but you shouldn’t. I don’t want to make it work again with him, I want to move forward. Getting back with an ex always brings so much past baggage with it, and I want to be free of that. Comfort is not worth sacrificing growth over. I talked to my Dad about it when he drove me back home after Christmas. He said he thinks I’ve outgrown my ex, that there’s probably nothing I could want from him anymore. And also that this does not sound like a man who realised he’s lost the love of his life and is now trying to do whatever it takes to get her back. And I had to agree. So then I deleted our whole text conversation, including everything from the time we were still together, and set the intention of moving on.

So when said ex texted me happy new year at 00.05 (!), I just asked why he’d been reaching out. He said he wanted to remain in contact. I didn’t understand why. But I also didn’t really care. For some reason I felt like I wanted to see him one last time, to see what he’s like now, to say goodbye. And he wasn’t going to arrange it, so I did. I told him I’m not good at keeping casual contact, but if he’d want to meet up and just talk, I’d like that. He replied he didn’t want to give me false expectations, which finally revealed he does not want me back after all. Maybe he’s looking for some sort of closure too then. I made clear my intentions were purely to catch up as friends (even thought we aren’t, but okay), and he agreed. So next weekend I’m going over to his place, where I’ve never been before, to talk. And honestly, I think it could be fun. I have never done this with an ex, but it’s reassuring that we both said we have no romantic interest in each other anymore.

On some level, I do have my doubts about this meeting. Why not just move forward? I said goodbye to him when we broke up, why do I have to do it again more than a year after the fact? Maybe I just want to know how he’s doing, how he’s changed. Maybe I want to show him how I have changed. But why do I want to display that? Shouldn’t it be enough for me to know I have grown? Am I really looking for validation from my ex? When asked what that makes me, my best friend said: “Human.” Has anyone ever been more right? I guess I just see this as a challenge. Isn’t the ultimate test to see if we can stand tall and confident in the presence of someone who has sometimes made us feel small and insecure? For me it is. I’ll update soon.

“Your humanity is showing.” – The Vampire Diaries (S3E8) (Yes I have a new obsession and I’m not ashamed.)