Self-Respect

Self-respect is multifaceted. It can be your compass, your backbone and your armour all in one. Let’s go on a quest and gather them all.

Respect

Respect is quite a vague, intangible term. But when I think about the people I’ve respected most in my life, it’s the people whose actions match their words, whose decisions make sense with who they claim to be. Who are able to do the hard but right thing when necessary. That is what I look up to in a person, when someone thinks for themselves and trusts the decisions they make. So, the same can be true for ourselves. Let’s build a definition for self-respect.

Defining self-respect

Respect as a verb is defined by Merriam-Webster as:

• to consider worthy of high regard
• to act in a way which shows awareness of (someone’s rights, wishes, etc.)

and by Cambridge as:

• to feel or show admiration for someone or something that you believe has good ideas or qualities
• to think that it is important to obey a law or rule

Inspired by these different interpretations, I suggest the following extensive definition for self-respect: ‘to be able to see one’s own good qualities, to believe in one’s ability to do the right thing and and to obey one’s own moral code’. Respect is something we can feel for ourselves but it is also something active you can do for yourself. As I always say: love is a verb. I will illustrate my view of self-respect, both as a feeling and as an action, with the help of three metaphors: the compass, the backbone and the armour.

The compass

We all need some sort of guiding force in our lives. I find that having a defined value system can be that guide. The way a compass shows you where to go, your values can give your life direction. I think a big part of self-respect is knowing what your core values are and acting in accordance with them. They are indicators of what you think is important. Follow your values and you’ll know which path to take. Of course there is room for exploring different perspectives and taking the occasional detour, but having a solid foundation of beliefs and principles is something that can guide you through life.

So what are your core values? Maybe you’ve never really thought about it or at least never explicitly defined them. But you probably do have them, and it is good to remind yourself of them once in a while. Take a look at this list of values. Write down which ones resonate most with you and in which way they impact your decision making.

The backbone

Sometimes your compass will lead you to a road you might not like, but you know you will have to take it. In those cases, you need a strong backbone. There’s a reason people are called spineless when they behave in a cowardly way. Self-respect is doing the hard things and sometimes that requires you to be brave. To make choices based on the things you need instead of the things you want. To be okay with uncertainty and able to be uncomfortable. To speak up when you disagree with people, even if they are your friends. Acting from a place of self-respect will not always earn you popularity points, but it will give you the feeling that you live with integrity and courage. And what’s more admirable than that?

The armour

So, you have your compass to lead you and your backbone to do the hard things. But we are missing one important thing: your armour. This protective layer is best illustrated by the concept of boundaries. If you do not set boundaries, you will harm yourself by taking on too much, exhausting yourself and having resentment build up in your body. That’s a sure way of disrespecting your time, energy and health.

To start setting boundaries, you first have to know: what is acceptable behavior to me and what isn’t? Then you ask yourself: what do I do when someone displays behavior that I do not tolerate? In this post, I do not have the space to go into the subject in much detail, but I recommend reading this in-depth article as a good introduction to boundary setting. The helpful image below is also from that article. If you are a fellow recovering people pleaser, practising to set boundaries can do wonders for your sense of self-respect.

Personal example

This summer, I was dating someone for a bit. It did not work out. After we broke up, I could not let go fully. Led by a mixture of loneliness, lingering attraction and delusion, I thought about ways in which we could still be in contact in a different form, ignoring my intuition. But as we talked about it and it seemed like this plan could actually become reality, I just knew I shouldn’t do it. Being with this person, in any shape or form, was going against my values (compass). When I broke it off (backbone) and asked them not to contact me anymore (armour) I could feel my self-respect rush back into my body, because it had left me for a bit. And it felt great, much better than a temporary fix to loneliness.

Exercise of the day

Consider your compass, your backbone and your armour. Which one of those needs some extra attention from you right now? Are you feeling lost? Then it might be time to focus on what your core values are. Are you feeling weak? Then you should probably do something that reminds you that you can do the hard thing. Are you feeling like a doormat? Then it’s a good idea to look at which of your boundaries needs strengthening. Good luck!