I love being alone. I’m good at it too. Not only does it feel like my default state of being, I also genuinely enjoy it and often look forward to it when I’m with other people. But lately, I’ve been feeling lonely more often. And it’s a particular type of loneliness: romantic loneliness. I feel a little pathetic for admitting it, because I’m Miss Self-Love, dating myself and all that. And while that is true and lovely, I know I’m not exempt from these kinds of feelings. And I do let myself feel them. But today I thought: why not write about this a bit? Maybe someone who reads this will feel a little less alone and it might help me process the emotions as well.
To describe the feeling in detail: I feel like I have so much to give and to share. There is space for someone in my life. And I’ve been wanting a romantic relationship again for a few years now. But sometimes I feel like it is hopeless. Like the people I’m interested in aren’t interested in me or are already taken. Or that somehow, I keep attracting people who turn out to be (disappointingly) different than I thought they were. And with love, romantic love, there’s not much more you can do than keep your eyes and your heart open and put yourself out there. The rest is all timing and luck. And I find that difficult to accept. I want to be able to do more, to have more control over my chances. Two years ago, I was feeling quite lonely in a more general sense. And I made some changes in my social life that really helped. These days, I almost never feel that kind of lonely anymore. But romantic loneliness is not that easily solved. And I guess I’m going through a period where this feeling might be amplified, because I thought I had found someone that I could have a romantic connection with. And moving on from them, means coming back to this familiar feeling.
I want someone to do life with. I want to hold someone’s hand on a walk. I want to come home and have someone already be there as a surprise. I want someone to do the dishes with. I want to wear lingerie for someone. I want to support someone’s passions. I want someone to look deeply in my eyes and then kiss me. I want to cuddle on my couch with someone without talking. I want to read my high school diary to someone. I want to love someone like they want to be loved, and have them do the same for me. I can see it so clearly, but this someone has not arrived yet.
Sometimes I wonder: how do people do it? People who don’t like being alone as much as I do? How do they cope with feelings of romantic loneliness? What do they do to drown them out? Does loneliness make them do stupid things, like search for intimacy in clubs or holding on to situationships that are already past their due date? Probably. And that’s understandable. I sometimes look for solutions in the wrong places as well. But I guess what I’m doing now, is the only thing that truly helps. Sitting in it, feeling it, expressing it. It won’t make the emotion go away, but at least I acknowledge it as part of me, rather than something that I have to get rid of. And I’m proud this is usually the method I choose.
I’m going to be okay, with or without a romantic partner. But I do hope I will meet someone someday who is right for me, and there is nothing wrong with that desire.
Tea Time With Amber 