Self-Accountability

We often hear that we need to take accountability for our actions. But what does that mean, exactly? In this post, we’re exploring how to practice self-accountability with the help of three questions.

Defining Self-Accountability

So, self-accountability. Big word. Let’s break it up into parts. To account can be defined as ‘to explain the reason for something or the cause of something’ (Cambridge), but also as: ‘to think of as, to probe into; analyze’ (Merriam-Webster). Combining those definitions with the words ‘self’ and ‘ability’, I’d say self-accountability is ‘the ability to analyse a situation, explain (to yourself) what happened and figure out the next steps to take’.

The tricky part is that an explanation can be easily confused with an excuse. But that’s something else. An excuse often tries to shift the blame from yourself to something or someone else, but we’re not talking about blame here. I’m talking about being able to look at your actions and deciding if they align with your values. It’s about taking ownership of your behaviour without becoming defensive but also without harsh self-judgement and over-apologizing. If you can find a balance between those two extremes, you’ll start to notice a shift in your internal self-talk, while also making you more prepared for feedback from others. At the end of the day, it’s a pretty great thing to be able to look at your own behaviour and just say: yes, I did that.

Three questions

I think, in order to be good at self-accountability, we need to ask ourselves three questions:
1) What happened?
2) How do I feel about it?
3) What do I want to do about it?
(These are inspired by this amazing TED Talk by Tafadzwa Bete Sasa, by the way. Check it out.)
The questions themselves are quite simple, but that does not mean answering them is easy. Let’s consider them in more detail.

1) What happened?

First we need a situation. An interaction, a conversation. Something that left you feeling not so happy with yourself. Then, we take out a little bit of time and space to sit with it. Ask yourself: what actually happened? To ask this is to give your brain the space to come up with the specifics of what you think is important. Maybe something you said or did comes up more than once. Maybe you have a particularly strong feeling about a certain moment of the interaction. Sit with that for a little bit. It’s really important you do not fall into judgement. Behaviour is something we can look at and even label as good or bad, without identifying with it too much (“I said something stupid” vs. “I am stupid”). The purpose of this question is to go from a vague feeling or repetitive thought to a definable moment/action that you aren’t happy with. In other words: what actually is the problem here?

2) How do I feel about it?

This is the time where we focus on the feelings that arise when thinking about this particular moment. With a recurring thought often comes a recurring feeling. What is that feeling? Is it shame, guilt, anger, sadness, dread? In this stage, judgement also has no place. Emotions only magnify when you judge them. And it doesn’t help to judge thoughts either. Rather, look at them. Express them. Write them down, speak them aloud. Get them out of your head in a way where you really have to formulate them.

3) What do I want to do about it?

This is the planning for action-stage. My personal favourite. So you’ve come to a conclusion. You’ve pinpointed something you didn’t like about the way you handled something. Now is the time to get specific on what you want to do next. Do you want to apologize to someone, or clarify something you said? I think it’s good to remember that you can always come back to something, even if a moment has passed. It’s never too late to bring something up again, even if that feels awkward. I think this stage is where responsibility comes in. Accountability is the part where you stop, observe and articulate. Responsibility is the part where you decide what to do about it.

Personal example

This is quite a vulnerable example, but I think it’s perfect to get my point across. A few years ago, I said goodbye to one of my best friends in a letter. Our friendship felt over to me and I did not have the courage to do it in person. As an answer I got an email back, in which she expressed her anger and hurt. I replied very briefly and afterwards felt like that door was closed and I was better for it. Recently, I reread the email she sent me and my own reply. It completely broke my heart and I felt like a major douchebag. So, to use the three questions for this particular situation:

1) What happened?
I sent a letter to my best friend in which I expressed I no longer felt we could be friends and I brushed off her emotional reply to this.

2) What do I feel about it?
Shame, guilt, sadness. She deserved much more than a letter and I thought it was a cowardly way of doing things. (Notice I’m not saying I WAS a coward, but I think my behaviour did suck.)

3) What do I want to do about it?
After debating calling or texting her, I sent her an email with an apology and the question if she wanted to meet up to talk about it in person, while also saying I would totally understand if not.

This was an extreme situation, and it was hard for me to look at my own actions. But I did feel a lot better after addressing them and trying to articulate them to her along with my regrets, even though I never got a response.

Exercise of the day

Take out ten minutes today to sit down and reflect back on the past couple of days. Is there a situation that comes to mind you think you could have handled better? If so, ask yourself the three questions. And remember: observe, feel, articulate, but try not to judge. Good luck!