Self-Pleasure

Pleasure is something we all chase. And while most of us probably know what is pleasurable to us, we rarely make time to truly focus on something we enjoy without any distractions. In this post, we’ll look at how to get the most out of our pleasure moments, with the help of anticipation, mindfulness, and moderation.

Defining Self-Pleasure

The Oxford English Dictionary defines pleasure as: ‘the condition or sensation induced by the experience or anticipation of what is felt to be good or desirable; a feeling of happy satisfaction or enjoyment; delight, gratification’ (OED). Self-pleasure, then, could be: giving oneself permission to experience something that brings feelings of satisfaction, enjoyment, delight and gratification. The key ingredients to optimal self-pleasure, I’ll argue, are anticipation, mindfulness, moderation and permission.

Anticipation

The hormone responsible for pleasure is the feel-good neurotransmitter dopamine. This hormone is released just before and during the first moments of a pleasurable experience. In other words, we don’t only feel good during something that brings us pleasure, but also beforehand, when anticipating it. In Dutch, we have a great word for this: voorpret. It translates to ‘pre-fun’, which perfectly encapsulates the feeling of excitement before something fun. To me, anticipation makes up about half of the pleasure I get from doing/experiencing something I enjoy and I would urge you to focus more on this stage. It creates space to fantasize about how to optimize your pleasure moment, which can make it even more enjoyable. And when the moment comes, it’s best if you’re able to give it your full attention.

Mindfulness

Nowadays it’s almost impossible to enjoy something fully without being distracted or even without the urge to want to do multiple things at once. How many of us can still watch a whole movie without checking our phones once? But enjoyment and pleasure do require focus. That’s why it’s a good idea to practice mindfulness in your day-to-day life, as well as specifically in your pleasure moments. Start with just one bite of a food you love, and savour that moment; how it tastes and how it makes you feel. Congratulate yourself on taking that bite without being distracted. Then, bite by bite, slowly work up to enjoying a whole meal without any distractions.

Moderation

Pleasure is inextricably bound to moderation. Often, the things we crave to experience pleasure from are unhealthy in big amounts. Not to mention, the pleasant feeling will dull after too much of anything. We’ve all had an experience of eating too much of something, like cake batter, because it just tasted sooo good. But after eating a whole bowl, you’re just sick to your stomach and you ask yourself if it was worth it. So, the key is moderation, restriction. Don’t drag out your pleasure moments. There’s going to be a peak, and you have to accept you can’t stay there forever. You can only really savour one or two cookies. Eating a whole pack is just binge-eating, which can also be a coping mechanism, instead of a genuine way to experience pleasure.

Permission

Some of you might have trouble with indulging in something that gives you pleasure without feeling guilty. You might not feel like you deserve it or have time for it. But you have been given a body with which you can experience so many amazing feelings and you deserve to reap the benefits that come with it. You deserve pleasure. To truly feel the bliss that pleasure can bring, you have to give yourself permission to take out the time for it. You should not feel guilty before, during or after your pleasure moment. Everyone chases the highs that pleasure brings, because they just feel pretty damn good!

Personal example

To me, dancing is one of the most pleasurable experiences I can think of. And I usually know quite well when to stop. For example, when I’m dancing at a party, and at some point my body tells me it’s tired, I stay no longer than 10 minutes after that. I know a lot of people have trouble with this, because they don’t want to leave at the peak point of fun. But I see it like this: the peak point is the best you’re going to feel all night. If you notice you’ve reached it, it can only go downhill from there. So when I leave with that feeling of extreme bliss, I take it home, instead of the not-so-pleasant vibes of the dragged out party where people start to get really drunk and consequently really annoying.

Exercise of the day

Pick a day this week and schedule in a fixed amount of time for yourself to do a little enjoyment ritual. Keep it simple. Pick one of the senses to focus on. If you don’t know where to start, use the questions from my previous post, but instead of soothing, ask them for the purpose of pleasure. Make sure there’s nothing that can distract you from your experience. Then take the time to be really present in whatever you are doing. Practice awareness with the sense you’ve chosen to focus on. Try turning inward to focus on the sensation your pleasure moment brings. Let that sensation expand. Revel in it. If you are distracted by thoughts, don’t be too hard on yourself. Simply accept that you have been distracted and try to return to the present moment. Enjoy!