Self-Soothing

As humans, unfortunately, we cannot feel good all the time. Sometimes we will experience physical or emotional pain. We cannot really control those moments. But what we can control, is how we treat ourselves during them. Today, I will discuss the art of self-soothing.

Defining Self-Soothing

The Oxford Dictionary defines to soothe as: ‘to make somebody who is anxious, upset, etc. feel calmer’ or, ‘to make a tense or painful part of your body feel more comfortable’. So I would like to alter and combine those definitions into the following one for self-soothing: ‘to make yourself feel calmer and/or more comfortable when you are upset or in pain’.

Self-soothing

When you’re in pain, you want to be heard. You want your pain to be taken seriously and you want to be comforted and cared for. The trap is to think someone else has to do this for you. Of course, it’s amazing to have people in your life that can soothe you, but it’s also great to be able to do that for yourself, for when those people are not around and for teaching them how to comfort you even better. If you know what makes you feel comfortable and safe, you can provide yourself with the tools to self-soothe. I’m going to break down self-soothing into two parts: calming yourself down and comforting yourself.

Calming yourself through the senses

To calm yourself down when you’re upset, you have to find the parent in yourself that cares for the needs of your inner child. Take a moment to reflect on what the perfect ways would be to make yourself feel calm again. You can break this down into the five senses:

• Vision: what images are calming to you? What colours? You can try to find these in nature, pieces of art, or video’s on YouTube. Maybe your eyes are overtaxed and in need of rest. Resting your eyes (i.e. closing them for a bit) calms your mind, relaxes your muscles and even makes your your heart rate and blood pressure drop.
• Hearing: what sounds are soothing to you? What kind of music? Is there someone whose voice is very calming to you? Do you like the clattering of rain against a window or the crackling of a fireplace? Or is there a certain instrument that calms you down such as the piano, a guitar or maybe a harp? Alternatively, it could be that you’re overwhelmed by sounds, and thus need silence for a while.
• Smell: what kind of smells make you feel relaxed? There are certain herbs that have soothing effects, such as chamomile, lavender, lemon balm and passionflower. You could light candles, or burn incense or essential oils with these aromas in your room or office.
• Taste: what dishes or flavours taste good when you’re stressed? Something warm and simple like soup or tea may calm you down. You can also find solace in your favourite comfort foods, especially if you’re not in the headspace to make a meal from scratch.
• Touch: what kind of material feels comfortable to you? What textures, what temperature? You can take a hot shower, give yourself a massage while rubbing lotion on your body or wear super comfy clothes. You can purchase a weighted blanket, hug a pillow or a stuffed animal, or cuddle with someone you feel safe with for a release of that sweet oxytocin.

Comfort

Sometimes when we feel bad we don’t necessarily need calming down, because we’re already calm, but instead we need comforting. How can you be kind to yourself when you feel small or lonely, or when you are in physical pain? Here are some tools I use when I want to comfort myself:

Kind self-talk: I’ve said it before, kind self-talk is one of the most important habits to build for loving yourself. Telling yourself “everyone makes mistakes” or “this will pass” can drown out the noise of negative thoughts and may soften intense negative emotions.

Loving self-touch: nearly three years ago, I discovered how good it can feel to touch yourself in a gentle, loving way. Wrapping your arms around yourself or just caressing your own cheek can do wonders. It may feel strange to do it at first, but once you surrender, hugging and touching yourself can really give you the comfort that you need.

Familiarity: familiarity breeds comfort, because things that we already know feel safer than things we don’t. You can watch a show you already know, hang out with or call someone who knows you well, read a book from your childhood, listen to familiar music, or wear a piece of clothing you’ve owned for a while.

Personal example

My Mom was and remains a great mother. But she was pretty bad at comforting me when I was in physical pain. When I’d tell her something ached, she usually answered with: “I don’t know what you want me to do about it.” That sucked, because I didn’t need her to do anything about it. I just needed a hug and for her to tell me it would eventually go away. And it really makes a difference. When I was 16 years old, I often had these really bad intestinal cramps that also came with hot flashes and sweating. The first time this happened to me I panicked, because what the hell was wrong with my body?! Luckily, I almost never get these kinds of cramps anymore. But every once in a while I do. And the way I talk myself through it nowadays makes a world of difference. When it happens now, I hold myself and say to my body: “It’s going to be okay. You just need to get rid of some things. It’ll be over soon.” And the pain feels less intense because of that.

Exercise of the day

The next time you’re in any kind of pain, sit on the floor or your bed or a comfy chair and embrace yourself. If that feels like too much, stroke your own hand or arm softly. If that feels good, you can touch other body parts with a loving intention and tell yourself that how you feel is okay, that it will pass and that you are there for you.