Self-Care (part 2: emotional)

These days we can distract ourselves from our own feelings more easily than ever. Netflix, Tinder, drugs, social media. But we are human. If we push our emotions away they will only start screaming for our attention louder. And while that might make sense in theory, it can be really hard to actually sit with negative emotions. In this post we’re exploring how you can take care of yourself on an emotional level.

What is an emotion?

The OED defines “emotion” as: “any strong mental or instinctive feeling, deriving esp. from one’s circumstances, mood, or relationship with others”. Want to hear something interesting? According to brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, an emotion only lasts about 90 seconds. Any time the emotion is felt after that, is because people choose to stay in an emotional loop by ruminating on the thoughts that came with it. I’ll talk more about ruminating in part 3 of the Self-Care series (mental self-care), and for now focus on noticing, naming and validating emotions.

Identifying emotions

Emotions are often first noticeable somewhere in the body. (That’s why it’s so important to get to know your own body.) For example, anger can show up as your heart beating faster and/or hot flashes. When you get familiar with the way feelings show up in your body, you can identify them more easily.

Naming emotions

When you’re not very connected to your emotional world, making a distinction that goes beyond ‘good’ or ‘bad’ can be difficult. To be able to define your emotions in a more detailed manner is a powerful practice. It can give you more distance from the feeling and make you realize that it will pass, however intense it feels in the moment. Being able to name your emotions also helps with self-awareness and identifying your patterns. Additionally, it improves your relationships with others when you can communicate clearly how you feel and what that means for you.

Validating your emotions

As hard as it can be, don’t push your emotions away. Don’t tell yourself it’s not a big deal and to get over it. Don’t judge yourself for feeling a certain way. Give the feeling space, breathe into it, listen to it. Sometimes an intense emotion can bring you valuable information. For example, when you’re getting angry, it can mean that a personal boundary has been crossed. When you feel lonely, it can mean you crave connection. I think it’s important to note here that you don’t need to try to find the source of every emotion you feel. Because that can lead to you not accepting a feeling when you can’t find a satisfying reason for it. The important part is to notice that the emotion is here, give it space, and remind yourself it will not last forever. What-questions are more helpful than why-questions. What am I feeling? What do I need right now? What could help me accept and/or express this feeling? Then provide yourself with whatever you need at that moment. Scream into a pillow, ugly cry until no tears are left, and most importantly: speak kindly to yourself.

Personal example

I am a highly sensitive person (HSP). And before I knew what that meant, I thought I was a very emotionally unstable person who just needed to grow thicker skin in order to not be affected by outside influences so much. As of today, I’ve given up on that goal. I feel things deeply, and that can also be beautiful. I’d rather feel a wide range of emotions than be numb. Now I even see some forms of pain as positive. For example, when I say goodbye to my sister after a day spent together, I can feel a sharp pain in my heart. It’s definitely not comfortable, but the realization that I love someone so much it hurts is pretty amazing and makes it worth it.

Exercise of the day

Identify what your emotional state is right now on the Junto Institute’s Wheel of Emotions below. For maximum results, print it out and hang it somewhere in your house, so you can practice naming your emotions daily. And who knows, someday you might experience emotions for only 90 seconds at a time!