Self-Talk (part 2: the positive)

In my last post we found out there are a lot of ways in which we humans can be quite awful to ourselves. But I think there are just as many, if not more, ways to kindly address yourself. In this post I’m going to talk about self-kindness and self-appreciation.

Defining ‘Self-Kindness‘

You know the drill. “Kindness“ /kʌɪn(d)nᵻs/: having or showing a benevolent, friendly, or warm-hearted nature or disposition; ready to assist, or show consideration for, others; sympathetic, obliging, considerate (OED)

Self-kindness (in my book) then, could be: being gentle, warm, compassionate, considerate and encouraging to oneself. For now we’ll focus on achieving self-kindness through the way we speak to ourselves. There are many more ways to practise self-kindness, which we’ll explore later on. But first, let’s get this self-talk right.

Kind self-talk

Self-kindness, according to Kristin Neff (who wrote extensively about self-compassion), involves using kind, caring, gentle language with oneself in order to soothe and comfort oneself when things go wrong. She also suggests using terms of endearment for yourself. But how you do start doing this? The key is to firstly become aware of when you’re being harsh to yourself (which I hopefully made a little easier in my last post) and then actively change the language you use. This may sound like it’s easier said than done, so maybe it helps to remind yourself to speak to yourself as if to a close friend, small child or a pet.

Personal example

I remember the first time I actively used kind self-talk very clearly, even though I didn’t know that’s what it was. I had just broken up with my first boyfriend and was lying awake in bed, crying and completely panicking. My mind was racing and my whole body ached. Then I intuitively started repeating the words ‘It’s okay to feel like this’ to myself, and they calmed me down tremendously. My heart rate dropped and I fell asleep soon after. Now, almost 5 years later, I think I’ve pretty much mastered the art of kind self-talk, with a lot of practice. When I drop a plate and it shatters into pieces, I no longer call myself an idiot but tell myself: “That’s okay, baby, happens to everyone.”

Examples

Here are some examples of kind, encouraging and soothing self-talk you can practice with:

• “You’re only human, everybody messes up.”
• “This really sucks, and you’re allowed to feel sad about it.”
• “You can do this!”
• “You don’t have to be perfect.”
• “What do you need right now, darling?”
• “You can be proud that you tried, even if it didn’t go as planned.”
• “Mistakes help you grow.”
• “You’re not alone.”
• “You did the best I could with the information you had.”

Self-Appreciation

But what if everything is going great? How can we cultivate self-kindness then? Well, you take some time to appreciate yourself! One of the best ways to do this verbally is to compliment yourself, either aloud or in your head. If you’ve never done this, it may seem like a weird thing to do. When you google “self compliment“ the first result you get is the entry for “self-praise“ on the Thesaurus website, which lists synonyms such as: arrogance, narcissism, boastfulness and selfishness. Not very encouraging indeed. But if putting yourself down is your baseline (which it is for a lot of people), it makes sense that praising yourself can feel like arrogance. Well, no more of that. Let’s get into complimenting yourself 101.

Where to start?

So yeah, complimenting yourself may sound like fun, but what if you have absolutely no idea where to start? Well, let’s break this down into small pieces.

Firstly, we need material. These can be traits, attributes or skills. Here is a list of all kinds of positive qualities. Choose the ones you identify with. Write them down, and then put “I am” in front of them. Now you’re aware of your good qualities.

Secondly, we need methods. Being able to identify your positive qualities is great, but how to remind yourself of them? It’s really as simple as getting into the habit of expressing appreciation for yourself. For example, if you consider yourself a good cook, you could start complimenting yourself on the meals you put together (“This is delicious, well done me!”). Or if you think you have a great sense of style you could look in the mirror and tell yourself how amazing that outfit looks on you. When you reached a goal you set for yourself, take the time to tell yourself how proud you are of that. You could also make a jar with notes on which you write something you appreciate about yourself (“I love how strong I am”), and take one (or 10) out when you need it! Write self-compliments on your fridge, or your mirror, or on (the inside of) your front door!

The possibilities are endless. Just as long as it helps you get into the habit of lifting yourself up. It may feel a little awkward in the beginning, but with enough time and effort, complimenting yourself will feel as natural as putting yourself down once felt.

Why do this?

Language is powerful. If you can name your positive qualities and remind yourself of them every now and then, the way you feel about yourself changes. Another benefit of self-complimenting is that you don’t have to wait around for others to appreciate you, making you more self-reliant. Of course it’s normal to want outside validation, and it would be unrealistic to expect to never need that at all, but it’s great when you can build your confidence from the inside out. When you feel good about yourself, the opinions of others matter less.

Exercise of the day

Sing your favourite love song to yourself in the mirror. Extra points if you make a whole performance out of it with a bomb outfit, lighting and choreography. As long as you don’t include an audience. This is for you.