I know I said it already, but this time I promise, it’s the last one. Even though I’m not very good at conclusions (ask my thesis supervisor), I did want to write a fitting concluding chapter to this story. And I wanted to thank you all, all 41 of you, strangers that I’ll probably never meet, for reading this blog. It means more than you know.
About my ex: I’m no longer in contact with him. And I like it that way. Honestly, I could do with exchanging our Spotify Wrapped playlists and maybe taking a walk once a year, but he’s not going to play a bigger role than that. And that’s actually really nice. I notice that when I think or talk about him, it’s only warmth and love. I will always love him. He has a good soul and I wish that he is happy. That chapter is officially closed.
About that one friend I developed romantic feelings for: you’re probably invested in that story line. Well, it’s completely over. He actually ghosted me! The thing is, he was part of a friend group I knew through my student association. Over the last year, I have said goodbye to every person in that group, except for him. The goodbyes had multiple reasons. One of them sexually assaulted me. One of them couldn’t say he condemned that fact. One of them I still feel much love towards, but I couldn’t handle watching her destroy herself like she did. One of them had a problem with my boundaries and was completely convinced he knew me better than I know myself. One of them was just a straight up sociopath. So one by one, I banned these people from my life. I have never really seen a problem with that, I guess. People change, and don’t always go in same direction. So for me it’s never been a problem if a friendship ended, even when I wasn’t the one to initiate the ending. I think it’s rare for friendships to last a lifetime, and that’s not something I feel sad about. As someone who didn’t have any friends in elementary school, I’m grateful for the friends I have. But I’m also discriminatory: if you don’t match my energy, I don’t need you. If I don’t feel good when I’m around you, I stay away. And if it doesn’t work anymore, it doesn’t. As you come into your own as a person, you start to attract people who suit you better than the people you met when you were still finding yourself. At least, that’s what I believe. Sure, we’re lucky if we have people that are with us for a longer period of time, but holding on to a friendship just because you have history? Not a valid reason for me.
But back to that friend. I actually spent an hour talking to my therapist about my relationship with him. That I find it hard to navigate my feelings for him with our friendship, about him being poly-amorous and having a girlfriend with whom the rules change every month, and him still being in a friend group I no longer want to be a part of. By the end of the session, I felt like I could do it. So I texted him that I’d sorted out my feelings and asked if he’d want to take a walk soon, and a few days later I asked if he was okay. He hasn’t replied or opened these texts. It’s been a month. I’ve always known him to be the kind of person to want to talk things out, and to really listen. He’s also not someone who likes drama, and I’ve always had great respect for the way he handled my struggles with the others. Of course, it must have been a tough spot for him to be in, seeing me cutting off all of his friends. Maybe he was scared I’d eventually do the same to him. I can say I never intended that, but how can he know for sure? I’m just disappointed by the fact he just didn’t say anything. Because now I’ll never be sure what the reason is that he stopped being in contact. But, I’ve decided I’m going to have to be okay with not knowing. Silence is an answer too, and I respect myself too much to try and reach him to get an explanation. He will have his reasons, and though it has hurt me he didn’t tell me, I’m also glad I can leave that whole group behind me. They belonged to a version of me that is now gone. So that’s that.
In other news: I’m getting married! Remember when I said I actively wasn’t going to date and even put a ring on it? Well, that was my dating-myself-ring. But in January, I decided to actually propose to myself! And I said yes!! I know, absurd, but I love it. I’m even planning a wedding with a few close friends in June. It’s going to be amazing. I just turned 25, and I’m no longer waiting for an excuse to be in a wedding dress.
I’m happy. I think I might be happier than I’ve ever been before. Because for the first time, it’s intrinsic. I know I can always fall back on myself. And that is the most encouraging thought a person can have. After all, we’re going to have to deal with ourselves for the rest of our lives. And that thought doesn’t frighten me in the least. I’m excited to see what’s to come, who I get to meet, what I’ll learn. And you can be sure that I’ll record parts of my journey in any shape or form that I can. Thank you for being with me through this part.
Goodbye.
“If I could go back I wouldn’t change a thing” – Once upon a Time (S6E5)
Tea Time With Amber 