So it’s been a week since I met up with my ex and I needed a little time to process everything. But for me, writing is always a part of processing, so here goes.
To be honest, it was fun! It was good to see him, talk to him, be in his presence. I dare say I passed my self-imposed test of being who I am now around him, instead of falling back into old patterns. He suggested to go for a walk, and I gladly took him up on that. We talked a bit about him, not much, as I was used to. But he did frighten me with the information he’d had a psychosis a little while ago. He admitted it was probably the result of doing a lot of drugs on New Year’s Eve, and said it was a wake-up call for him to quit everything for a while. I felt pity for him. I know it’s his own responsibility to know bipolar disorder and drugs probably don’t mix well, but it seemed like he doesn’t really know what to do with himself. He told me that the past year has been difficult for him, with the pandemic taking away everything he had planned and just general things he loves to do. Even though he doesn’t admit it, he loves being around people, big groups of them too. He is not great at being alone and even though we all have to learn that skill during this time, I can imagine him feeling particularly lost. He had the weight on his shoulders of dealing with not just one, but two past relationships (since he met me so soon after his ex), and he always feels like he has to deal with that sort of stuff alone. I have the idea he doesn’t really have anyone to talk to about that topic. Besides, he still has not figured out what he wants out of life. He’d planned on discovering that and himself last year with being in a band and travelling, but all of that was cancelled. That must have made him feel powerless. And with that comes the urge to escape. So I get it, and I feel sorry for him.
We mostly talked about me, which I didn’t mind. I told him the most important events that happened in my 2020, and what I’d learned from them. The friends I said goodbye to, the new people I met, the traumatic experiences, the spiritual awakenings. I even told him about the fact I had developed feelings for that friend of mine. He knew him (that is, they met once), but he was sweet about it and said: ‘Oh that’s nice, yeah he seemed cool!’ Apparently, him and I both decided not to date and focus on ourselves for a while, and I was happy to hear that. He could use some time alone.
When we got back from our one and a half hours walk, I stayed for 15 minutes more before I went on my way again. And in that time, we talked a bit about our relationship. We made jokes about it, and it felt good and light. Like we were establishing that that was us in the past, and we are in a different period now. So when I left I had the whole journey back to reflect and the first thing that came to mind was that I really, really understood why I had fallen for him three years ago. He was the exact opposite of my previous ex, sweet and kind and playful and unable to get angry. It was what I needed to experience in a man to know that that exists. And maybe I was someone he needed too, after his ex. I think we fell purely for each other’s energies, and slowly but surely figured out that we just weren’t compatible and wanted different things in a relationship and out of life. And that’s okay. We served a purpose for each other and now that’s over.
Of course, the problem now is to decide what I want with this. Because this was fun, but I don’t think I want it to be the start of a friendship. And I also don’t want to remain in contact casually. I wouldn’t mind taking a walk with him every once in a while, but besides that I just don’t have the mental space for him in my daily life. I have no idea how he experienced our meeting and how he feels about staying in contact. I could just ask him, but I have a feeling he’s not completely sure himself. And if that’s the case, he can’t really answer me, or he’ll just be vague again. So I’ll just have to decide what I think is best for me, and I’ll take a little more time to do that. I did see that friend I have feelings for a day after my ex, and it was good to experience how I felt in his presence, because it’s such a different feeling. I can’t really describe how or why, but it feels healthier. I also noticed how much I’d missed him when I opened the door and he stood there, even though I’d seen him just a few weeks ago and we talk almost every day. It was good to remind myself that I have developed feelings for someone else, and that I’d much rather let those in than old memories of the ghost of a relationship.
Last night, I had a dream that put things in perspective for me. I dreamt I went to this party with a friend of mine, and we knew my ex was gonna be there but we’d discussed I should just ignore him and have fun with her. So when we were ordering cocktails at the bar I saw him come in, looking different from what he looked like in real life last week. I didn’t pay him any attention and at some point he was gone again. Then sometime later, I found him sitting against a wall, almost passed out. I freaked and helped him up and outside. Then I dragged him to an abandoned building were I sat him down and tried to determine what was wrong with him, while he just kept slipping away. I can still remember the feeling of panic. Then some girl offered to help me carry him to his best friend’s house, but I had already taken him in my arms (which is extremely unrealistic because this dude is almost 2 meters or 6.6 ft for all you weirdos). I followed the girl outside with my ex in my arms like a baby, people stared and shouted stuff but I didn’t care. He was my baby. We never made it to the house, because I woke up. But the feeling of him in my arms was what remained the strongest. And I realised that maybe it was some kind of warning. That this is the toxic habit I fall back into most easily: unsolicitedly caring for people. I did it when we were together, and apparently my subconscious still has a desire for doing it even after we’ve been broken up for more than a year. I guess it’s logical to have that instinct pop up after seeing and hearing he’s still not doing too well, but I have to realise I can’t help him, and shouldn’t want to. I genuinely wish him all the best, the wisdom and tools he needs to be and stay happy, but I should stay out of it. I should let him go.
“Sometimes fate throws two lovers together, only to rip them apart.” – Gossip Girl (S2E18)
Tea Time With Amber 