Could it be true? Dare I believe it? I think so. I am over him. Wow, that feels amazing to write. And boy, am I proud of myself for going through that gruesome process of a break-up.
A few weeks ago I had an intense talk with a good friend of mine. At times she can still be terribly upset about her ex, which I completely understand, given all the things she told me about him. While I was consoling her and trying to explain to her that the things he did are not normal nor acceptable behaviour in a relationship, I had an epiphany. I realised that, despite my ex and and me being incredibly incompatible, he had never been unkind or toxic to me. He never harmed people intentionally. Yes, he shut off emotionally and he did not quite understand how I wanted to be loved, but he was never cruel. He was sweet and always did the best he could, even though that was not enough or not what I wanted in the end. And so, I decided to text him a brief version of what I just said. We had a short conversation in which he told me that he wasn’t doing so well at the moment, but that he was glad to hear I was. I realised that in spite of feeling sorry for him he wasn’t feeling so good, I didn’t feel the need to do something about it anymore. It’s not my responsibility to make him happy. Of course, it has never been, but that’s the way I tend to try to love people. By trying to take care of them.
A few weeks later I was with another friend. We spent the weekend together, swimming, drinking, having a sleepover. And the next morning when I was talking to her about the breakup, I noticed I used past tense to refer to the whole process and got excited about that. I’ve been trying to prioritise my relationships with my friends and family, and it’s paying off. Slowly but surely, the urge to need a romantic relationship is disappearing. It’s really important to me that I come to see romance as something that I can only share with a romantic partner. That’s why I’ve been sending letters to my closest friends, telling them how much I appreciate and love them. Their responses filled my heart with so much joy and gratefulness, that I never want to go back to who I was at 18: putting all my energy and love into one person (that by far did not deserve it). In addition, I’ve also worked really hard to fall in love with myself. I started loving myself after my first break-up, and now the goal was to fall in love with who I am. While I’m not sure that’s even possible, I have reached new levels of self-love and acceptance I never deemed possible before. And for the first time since I was 14, I don’t feel the need to be completed anymore. On the contrary: I have decided I’m going to actively NOT date for a while. As of June 8th, I am fully committed to myself. I even put a ring on it! After all, I am stuck with myself for the rest of my life. Better start committing, right?
So, I think that’s it. This is probably the end of this blog. Thank you so much for reading and experiencing everything with me. If you are or have been going through the same thing, I hope it has given you some comfort and hope you are going to be okay. Because you are, more than okay to be precise. I will spare you the whole “after rain comes sunshine” clichés, but I’ll leave you with this: I’m grateful for the process that I’ve just come out of. It made me who I am now. And when I do meet the right person someday, they will be thankful for it too.
“In order to fully transform we might need to free ourselves of everything we’ve been holding onto to send us on our new path.” – Gossip Girl (S4E22)
P.s. I promise I’ll write an update on day 365, just because I love anniversaries.
Tea Time With Amber 