Well, we did it! We’ve hit the half year broken up mark! Yes, we. I feel like you’re with me on this journey. Those of you I know and those I don’t. Thanks for making it so far with me. We actually passed this little anniversary a while ago, but I still wanted to acknowledge it.
I was talking to one of my best friends a few weeks ago and I experienced a feeling I have never had before: approval of a boyfriend of my one of my friends. I’m very protective of my friends and if I get the feeling they are not entirely treated like the angel they are by their partners, I will not accept them. It’s not like I will try to sabotage the relationship or convince my friends to break up with them, but I try to give a good example and treat them like princesses so they have an idea of how it should be. It also helps me to put more value on friendships and lessen the way I put romantic partners on a pedestal. But the things my friend told me about her current boyfriend made my heart melt and feel like he deserves her. It gave me hope that one day I’ll meet someone who is going to live up to my expectations.
But what I actually wanted to talk about is the way different people have different ways of wanting to be in a relationship. My friend and I came up with at least three different types. I’m sure there’s lots more, but for now let’s keep it nice and simple.
Squares: the people who just want to do their own thing. These are people who enjoy being single when they are, and if they do get into a relationship, they don’t like to offer up a lot of time and freedom which they feel they could use themselves. These are people who love to do their own thing but still be in the same room together. These are people who won’t mind or get mad if one or the other doesn’t feel like hanging out for a day or even a week. The people that could opt to not live together and be totally satisfied that way. The most important thing to them is their own mental well-being and if that can include loving another human being, great, and if not, also great. I call these Squares, because if you could abstractify those types of people, you could see them as two perfect squares just laying beside each other, maybe touching, with a slight space in between. The downside of being this type is that connection can be hard for them, or that they don’t know how to be in a romantic relationship, since they do not feel so comfortable with any display of affection, or alternatively: they shower their friends with affection in which case a romantic relationship does not feel very different from a friendship (which of course does not have to be a problem).
Circles: the people who also value their own time and space, but also really benefit from spending quality time together. These are people who have their own lives, hobbies, their own group of friends, but can easily combine those things with their partner. Maybe they have overlapping friend groups or shared hobbies/interests. These are people that go out to do their thing, work, meet friends, practice a sport, but love to come back home to their significant other to tell them about it and cuddle up to them every (other) night. I call these Circles because their abstract form would be two circles slightly overlapping, some more than others. My friend I mentioned earlier and her boyfriend fall into this category. They have been living together for as long as I’ve known her, but I never get the impression he’s her whole life. She’s still her own person with her own hobbies and he lets her be free to pursue those.
Puzzle pieces: the people who feel good when they can kinda merge with someone. These are people who like to learn from their partners, as well as vice versa. The people that (often not consciously) feel like they have a hole inside them which can be filled by another human being. Often these are types that enjoy caring for others more than they like caring for themselves. These are people who want to complete someone else and want someone else to complete them. Even if this is done in the most healthy way, e.g. just learning a lot from each other, this particular type brings risks with it. There’s the possibility of being too dependent on each other, often emotionally. There’s the risk of putting their partner’s needs before their own and shutting out friends and family to only be with that one person. The upside is that they can experience love and connection on an extremely high level that is better than any drug. As I believe I fall into this category, I have been guilty of all those risky behaviours in the past. Oh and I think it’s pretty clear why I dubbed this the Puzzle Piece type.
The thing is, I think I am a Puzzle Piece and my ex is a Square, meanwhile we tried to be Circles together. And every once in a while we succeeded, but mostly this process caused much friction and misunderstanding. I believe by mapping this all out, I can see more clearly why our relationship stranded. The interesting thing is that with my first boyfriend, we were both Puzzle Pieces. Especially in the beginning we were totally emotionally dependent on each other, which lessened as soon as I moved away from my hometown when I became a student. Still, I had to recover from that relationship for a while before I was ready to date again. I am really trying to be more like a Circle, as I think that’s the most healthy way to be in a relationship. But it’s hard, being highly sensitive and everything, to not get dragged into the overwhelming, scary, and enchanting rollercoaster that is Falling In Love for me. I think it’s my pitfall, to become too dependent on someone, even when I’m doing my best not to. But maybe if I meet a nice Circle, they can stimulate me in doing my own thing, while still being there for me at the end of the day. What I really want to say is: I still believe in love. Wow, a few weeks ago I didn’t think I would believe that again, but I do. My romantic Disney heart is not one that is easily broken.
“If you don’t have hope, what’s the point of living?” – The Walking Dead (S4E10)
Tea Time With Amber 