Recently one of my best friends and I did a High School Musical marathon. Great movies, probably because it’s 90% nostalgia, but still. One thing I noticed for the first time in the second movie is what great standards Gabriella has. I know, it’s High School Musical, but hear me out. At first when she notices Troy is changing slightly, she is sweet and forgiving and defends him behind his back. Even when his friends start to turn on him and he starts giving Sharpay more attention then her, she stays classy. However, you can tell that at a certain point, she just starts investing less too. She hangs out with friends more and as a result she misses his calls. She treats him based on how much he invests in her, not on how much she loves him. That takes a lot of self respect, I’d say. At the confrontation part of the movie, she decides he’s changed so much that she can’t be with him at that moment. She literally sings that she has to do what’s best for her. She focuses on her own needs, without getting angry at him or forcing him to change his behaviour. She doesn’t like what she sees, so she just.. leaves. She doesn’t break up with him, though. She’s setting a boundary. Only when she’s heard through friends he’s acting like someone who’s living up to her standards again, does she come back. He has to earn her. Isn’t that frickin’ amazing? Ugh, I love Disney. Turns out some of their movies do set good relationship examples. I’ve yet to see them in action in real life though.
A good friend of mine is going through some relationship drama. His girlfriend seems to have some commitment issues. In my eyes, he’s doing everything he can to be the best boyfriend he can be and to keep the relationship fun and exciting. They recently concluded she often tries to create drama in order for the relationship to not ‘get boring’. While this is problematic, I’m no stranger to this type of behaviour. Hell, I’d be lying if I said I never indulged in that type of conduct. However, I was 18 at the time and this was how I was first taught romantic love. I dare say I’m not like that anymore, and if I find myself falling back into old patterns, I’m often quick to realise and call myself out on it. The reason why I brought up this friend is because the way I see him struggling, feeling powerless and sad, reminds me of myself in my last relationship. I tried to be perfect for him. I put in so much energy and effort, only to be disappointed almost every time. Feedback, even brought in the most gentle way, made him shut down and ignore me for as long as he felt like. I recently remembered an incident in which I was followed by three men in the woods near my house. I’m not going into detail at the moment, but let’s say I was extremely scared and after I’d escaped I started hyperventilating and have never really been the same. As soon as I thought I was safe again, I called my (then not yet) ex. He didn’t understand me. He couldn’t bring up the energy to be empathetic because he was dealing with his own emotional issues at the time, which often happened. But I remember distinctly that he didn’t want to come over that night and didn’t make an effort to check on me the next day. I got angry with him, in my opinion very justified, and he gave me the silent treatment, which in turn made me miserable again. If I’d been more like Gabriella, I’d taken none of that shit. Actually I think she would’ve broken up with him on the spot, but my point is that I was more focused on reconciling with him because it hurt not being in contact with him, instead of setting a boundary. I’m not trying to lay all the blame on myself, he was definitely not acting like a gentleman, but I hope in future relationships I can act more out of self respect and not out of fear of losing someone. What am I losing if it’s someone who doesn’t even find it important to check on his girlfriend after something bad happened to her?
In a few days, we’ll have been broken up half a year. And I can finally say I’m starting to let go a little. At least, I don’t think about him every second of the day anymore, and when I do, I’m more critical than emotional. I’m not sure what changed in the last few weeks, but I feel a lot better. I go outside more, I’m eating healthier, try to work out a few times per week. Okay, well these could be making a fair contribution. I feel genuinely happier and noticed I’m laughing more, even when I’m alone. I try to just enjoy this newfound happiness, instead of constantly trying to figure out where it came from. My life always has extreme ups and downs, and I guess I’ll have to surrender and trust that I will someday find a bit of balance.
“Interesting, yes. Emotions.” – Sherlock (S2E2)
Tea Time With Amber 