Long time no write. I guess I had to process what I wrote about in my last post. It impacted me more than I let on, and even admitted to myself. But I think I’m okay with it now. I even texted him again to ask if we could talk in person soon. I’ve been avoiding him since it happened but recently started to miss him as a friend. I’ll update on the talk after we’ve had it.
Break-up wise I keep having days on which I feel like I have made no progress at all. I think those days are becoming less frequent, but the emotions I have on them aren’t less intense. I still cry a lot and wonder if this is how things are meant to go. As I mentioned before, I’m a bit of a controlfreak. For me, it’s hard not knowing where I’m going and how I’m going to feel. Of course, the reality is that you can never be sure how things are going to turn out or what your feelings will be doing in the next hour. People who believe they control those things are living in an illusion or have learned to suppress their emotions, which will come back to bite them later in life. It’s not about control or knowing beforehand. I think the goal should be to learn to be okay with not knowing. To ride the rollercoaster that is life without trying to influence things all the time. That’s a new personal goal I’ve set for myself. It’s going to be hard, but can you imagine being okay with whatever life decides to throw at you, and having the confidence in yourself to trust all will be fine? I can’t either, yet. I’ll have to remind myself this is a process of a lifetime, not something I can learn in weeks or even months. Nevertheless, I’m excited to start.
Aside from all that woke self-improving stuff, I’m still struggling so much with letting my ex go. There are a number of little things I haven’t been able to do like remove his picture from my wallet or delete our texts, just because a part of me still believes we will be together again at some point. And I don’t know if letting go is a process that happens over time whether you want to or not, or if you have to actively decide to start letting go. I wonder if holding on to the hope of us being together again some time is detrimental to my process. I think part of me doesn’t want to let go yet. My friends keep telling me that’s okay, but I’m scared that I still won’t be over him when I’m 80 just because I’m not choosing to let go now. That probably sounds a bit ridiculous, but I do think I have to start believing there actually is someone out there who is better for me, with whom everything just feels right. Sadly, I just don’t believe that right now. It’s almost been 4 months ago since we broke up, and I’ve been reflecting on our relationship more in the past few weeks. I’ve been seeing things more clearly, as I expected because that’s what happens a while after you’re not together anymore. Most epiphanies I’ve had about the relationship are actually positive, though. I don’t know what to do with that knowledge. Probably just nothing, aside from concluding I loved him very much and he has some awesome qualities but at this point in time we’re just not compatible, as I also concluded just before I decided to break up with him. However the only words that stick in my head from that sentence are ‘at this point in time’. So then I start thinking: maybe someday we will be compatible. When would that be? Is he also thinking about this? Is he moving on? Ugh. I hate my non-stop-thoughts-producing brain sometimes.
All in all, I think I’m just in a really depressive state of mind about love in general lately. That’s probably because I have the feeling that whatever I do, nobody is ever going to give me back the love I give them. I’m probably too romantic for this world. I’m trying to let go of the whole Disney concept of love because it’s unrealistic and frankly even a bit boring at times. My parents are a beautiful example of what love can be when two people work really hard for a relationship, but I have not seen many other examples of that out in the world. Not fair, Mom and Dad, that’s called false advertisement. I’m trying to be optimistic, but living in a country where it rains 6 out of 7 days is not really helping. Writing is, though. Writing always helps.
“Just because you learn that you come from true love, doesn’t mean you believe you’ll ever find it.” – Once upon a Time (S6E20)
Tea Time With Amber 