So last weekend I decided to be an idiot. Okay, I didn’t actually decide to become one, I just let my inner idiot come out. And even that is not totally accurate, because making decisions requires a person to be present and I have to admit I wasn’t fully lucid. Alright, I’ll spit it out. I slept with someone. It was the first time since the break-up and I feel pretty uncomfortable about it. So what’s a woman to do but pour her heart out on her blog?
It was a friend I took home. I like him. He is sweet, funny, caring, a great kisser. I want to say it was bound to happen at some point, but I can’t be sure of that. The problem is I only start to find him attractive when I’m a couple drinks in. I don’t like it, but it’s the truth. I had finally made peace with that fact and with being okay with just kissing him at parties, but of course things couldn’t just remain the way they were. Of course I had to get shit-faced and have sex with him and totally forget about it until the next morning to feel confused and gross in the end. Otherwise life would just be way too easy. All joking aside, I have spent the rest of the weekend overthinking and punishing myself. I concluded I hadn’t actually been ready to do this yet. I hate that I forgot most of it. And I hate that I still feel the need to give everything meaning. I was thinking that maybe I unconsciously tried to fill a void, or that I am searching for who I am and in the process I am crossing my own boundaries. That makes sense and I have done this before, during my last break-up. However, not everything needs an explanation. Sometimes things just happen and you could spend hours thinking about why you did it and what you should conclude from it, but you don’t have to. It’s hard, if your mind is wired that way, but it is possible. The only conclusion I’ve drawn is that maybe I should start drinking less, because it always leads to trouble for me. If not mentally, then physically. It’s my own fault, my own responsibility. It helps to know I’m not the only one who’s done things they later regretted. But I don’t want to spend my life in regret. So I talked to him about it and he was understanding and compassionate, so that helped. But it’s still me who has to accept that it happened and accept my feelings surrounding it.
So the only thing I can do is clearly seeing that boundary for where I stepped over it, mark it with a bright red line and make sure not to step on over again soon. That boundary being sleeping with people I don’t have romantic feelings for (and also sleeping with people when drunk). I’m not perfect, and I’m happy I’m not. What would I be writing this blog about?!
“You tell all these stories about yourself and that’s who you are.” Jane the Virgin Ch. 82
Tea Time With Amber 