As happens when you’re going through a break up, I’ve been having some epiphanies lately. I came across a podcast on which advice was asked for getting over someone you still like or maybe even still love. A few things were mentioned and since every person is differently wired, it would make sense that not every advice fits everyone. But there was this one technique that really helped me. They said to picture in your mind the perfect partner, who you would like to be with in the future. This could be anyone, except, of course, your ex. Really imagine them, play scenarios in your head about how you life looks with them in it and how you interact with each other. And now compare that person to your ex. You know what I found? My ex lacks a few pretty fundamental qualities that I would like to see in a partner. And yes, I had figured that before, that was my main reason to break up, but then you go through this whole romanticising the good and forgetting the bad period and you start to lose sight of why you did what you did. That sucks. That is called the bargaining stage: erasing the bad so you trick yourself into believing your ex is perfect and the one you should be with. But I feel like slowly but surely the idealising is fading away.
Something else I recently noticed is that I’m trying to explore my funny side a little bit more. I make (really bad) puns more often than usual and feel accomplished if I can make people laugh. When I noticed that, I thought about why I was doing it. I concluded that a quality I really appreciated in my ex was his humour. Laughing and making jokes was a huge part of our relationship. I think I started missing his humour and unconsciously trying to be as funny as I thought he was. And I think that’s a great approach to letting someone go: trying to acquire the traits you liked about them and now miss. It’s a great way to start loving yourself on a deeper level too. I went even further with this mind experiment. What if I try to acquire the things I missed in my previous relationship as well? I wouldn’t be needing anyone else! Of course this is all easier said than done, but I think it’s great I changed from “What do in want to see in my future partner?” to “What do I want to see in my future self?”. I really want to level up my relationship with myself. I want to take all that caring and loving energy I usually save for others and invest it in myself, guilt free. I feel like I got to know myself better in an exponential way the last four years, and I am not about to stop. I feel like your relationship with yourself is so important and influences your relationships with everyone else. I believe getting to know yourself and understanding and accepting yourself can help you connect with other people more easily.
Short post today. But sometimes, less is more.
“And now I love myself.” – Once upon a Time (S6E14)
Tea Time With Amber 