So lately I kind of felt like I’ve been sleepwalking through my own life. Sure, I go out with friends, have deep and meaningful relationships with them, I try to get out of my room as much as possible, I’ve taken up new hobbies, I even take myself on dates sometimes. But the feeling of loss is just always dragging behind me, like a prison ankle ball.
Christmas was hard. I have had three amazing days with friends and family, and still I cried almost every day. I couldn’t help remembering last year, being with him at his parents’, my parents’. I didn’t buy a Christmas tree this year, because last year we got one together and I couldn’t handle decorating it alone this year, especially because he was so enthusiastic about Christmas. He’s not enthusiastic about anything. So yeah, Christmas has lost its magic for me.
Two weeks ago I suddenly noticed I started to develop feelings for someone, and I denied them to myself. I felt like I wasn’t ready yet. Then I actually admitted those emotions were there to a few friends and even the guy in question, and the feelings disappeared as soon as they had come. I analysed the situation, of course, and came to the conclusion it was easy to temporarily fall for someone who has been giving me a lot of things my ex couldn’t give me. But there’s no real attraction there. And since that crush dissolved, I bounced back to sadness immediately.
A few days ago I talked to him, my ex. At first it was just wishing each other a happy new year, but then he asked me how life had been and I was honest. I told him I was okay, but that I missed him so much. He said: “I feel you.” Then he told me he was going to focus on making music the next half year and I was so proud. That is something I’ve wanted him to do since I first met him, because I saw that was the only thing that really sparked passion in him. I told him I was excited for him, and that I wished I could be a part of it. He replied that this is something he has to do on his own, and I understand that. Doesn’t make it less sad though. When he asked me if I had something to focus my energy on, I mentioned my blog, which is kind of stupid because it’s basically all about him and he remembered the name. I just hope he won’t read it, even though there is probably not a lot on here he doesn’t already know. But it kind of takes a bit of privacy away, doesn’t it?
Today I decided two things: one, I’m going to not contact him for the upcoming half year. I want to be free of the hope if and when we are going to get back together, so I’m going to shut that off for half a year. And when that is over, who knows where I am in the process? Two, I want to find my passion for life again. The best thing to do now is to find what makes me feel alive, what makes me feel like me, and do as much of it as possible. Starting tonight, I’m going to dance again, write again, film and edit again. I’m not starting my Masters in February like I had planned, so I figured I’d make the most of the free time I have with following some courses I chose because they seriously interest me. I won’t even have to pass them. But something has to excite me again, life has to excite me again. And the only one who can make that happen is me.
So let’s not call this a new year’s resolution. Let’s call it a new project. I like thinking in projects, because it focuses more on the actual process than the end product. I can do this. And who knows, maybe I’ll inspire one of you while doing it.
“Grieving is a process. Maybe it’s time to take to next step in the process.” – Jane the Virgin (Ch. 92)
Tea Time With Amber 