Last week was absolute shit. Seriously, fuck last week. I know normally I’m always fairly positive, but there is little positive to say about last week. Sure, there were some highlights, but overall it was really bad. And I figured, that is also something worth mentioning. I pride myself on trying to be positive and grateful for the good things I have. Sometimes though, it’s also good to just feel horrible and just let yourself sit with that feeling.
After I posted my last update on Monday, I got to work and a friend came by. I told her what happened the day before, about him not wanting to meet with me because he’s not interested in getting back together right now. And sure enough, during my story I looked through the glass walls of the shop I work at and who comes walking by? You guessed it, it was him. I was paralyzed. He didn’t look into the store, he just walked straight ahead. But Christ, the emotions that came over me were way too strong to be felt at work. I wanted to cry, but I had to stay professional for another 7 hours. That did not come easy. It just felt like the universe decided to kick me while I was already down. Just seeing his face for a split second was enough to feel every negative emotion at once.
The rest of the week was tough. I didn’t have a lot of time to actually process my feelings. I had exams and work. Moreover, there was drama. So much drama. With a friend, well, a former friend I’d say, and with one of my sisters. And both situations have not been resolved, so I can’t put it out of my head just yet. On Thursday, I cried for literally one hour straight. I just couldn’t stop. I texted one of my housemates if she could come over and she cuddled me and made me laugh again. I was genuinely surprised she accomplished that. She took me out of my continuous loop of listening to the same sad song and crying.
Today I watched this Netflix movie: Someone Great. Netflix Originals are always tricky, because they’re either really good or just horrendous. I was already biased, because the lead actress from Jane the Virgin was the lead in this one as well, but it still surprised me how touched I was by the film. It captures the feelings after breaking up with someone you still love sooo good. Wow. It had everything. The self-destructive impulse to immediately go out with friends and do some kind of drugs. The realizing that nothing is really going to take your mind off of it. The memories triggered by places, foods, smells, music. The romanticizing and holding on to the hope that maybe you’ll get back together again. The craving of ‘one mores’. The holding on to one reason for the break up while there were many more. The realization that there is no ‘us’ anymore. It was beautiful. Heart-shattering. But beautiful.
So to anyone out there who’s going through the same thing, I feel your pain. No one can take that away. Reach out to those you love and trust to help you through the toughest moments, but be kind to yourself as well. Tell yourself it’s going to be okay. That it is alright to be feeling like this right now. I know it’s scary how intensely painful it can be, so just live day to day. Time is the only thing that helps. Well, that and making progress, but I’ll talk about that next time. Sending love, and wishing you happy holidays!
“When the pieces of what we were catch the sun I’ll remember how beautiful it was. Just how beautiful it will always be, because it was us. And we were magic.” – Someone Great
Tea Time With Amber 