The last two weeks I have been thinking about getting back together with him. I talked about it with a few friends and mostly with my Dad. He said I should follow my heart. That love and relationships aren’t based on logic, but on feelings. He said that me and my ex are both special people. We’re not easy. We’re not low-maintenance. It could take a while before I meet someone again who can deal with all my stuff, and the same goes for him. So with that in mind, and the feeling that I am happy with my life as it is, I decided I did want him back, because I felt like he added something to that life. Even though sometimes he added misery, more often he added happiness. He is my intensifier, my rollercoaster. He makes whatever I feel ten times as intense, and I love that.
I contacted him a week ago and asked him if he wanted to meet up. He said yes. In the week that followed, time seemed to go the slowest since we broke up. I just wanted to see him, tell him I still loved him and that I wanted him back. That I’d rather try a thousand times with him than find someone else. But I never got the chance.
Yesterday, a few hours before we were supposed to meet up, he messaged me saying that if this meet up was meant to be for something more than friends, it wasn’t a good idea. It hit me in the guts. How did he only think about this now? We had been talking all week, like nothing had ever changed. I decided not to lie and just go see him anyway. That’s not the way to go. I asked him if he would be open to talk about getting back together. He didn’t say no, he said that he shouldn’t. That’s something different. He said he missed me a lot, but that he found out that right now it is good for him to be alone and figure out what he wants in life. At first I was just too disappointed and sad and confused to think clearly. So after a while I told him that there was so much I wanted to say, but all of that was irrelevant now, and that I thought it was strong of him to have made this decision for himself and tell me this. He answered that it didn’t come easy, which only made it more tragic. So he didn’t want to do this, but he felt he had to. And that is going to make it even harder to let him go. The main reason I broke up with him was because I thought he had to resolve some issues with himself before he could be in a relationship. And although I’m very happy he’s actually doing that right now, I still have to let him go and not wait for that to be over. But that’s easier said then done.
I’m trying to see this as a blessing in disguise. I’m glad I messaged him. I’m glad he told me this. Otherwise I would have always doubted my decision to break things off. But now he has set a boundary too. Even if I wanted to get back together, right now we just can’t. And I have to let that knowledge be what pushes me forward, and try not to look back so much.
“I know I did the right thing. I know because I’m miserable, again.” – Once upon a Time (S4E12)
Tea Time With Amber 