Sometimes I wish I wasn’t such an open book, you know? Sometimes I wish I could just secretly start seeing him again. To feel his fingers on my skin once more. To have his compliments lift me up. Nobody would have to know. I’d sneak him in and out of here. Or just only meet at his place where his roommates don’t even know me. Nobody needs to know. But of course, I can’t keep a damn thing for myself for more than 2 hours. Seriously, I tried once. It didn’t work.
Yes, I have thoughts about wanting him back. I woke up last Wednesday, filled with regret. How could I have let go of such a great man? I started scrolling through our old text messages. Our humour is just the best. I spent all day crying. Is this just another step of the grieving process or do I actually regret this decision? Was I too quick to decide? I know the last month or so that we were together was hard on him. He had started a job (for the first time in his life) and was also still studying besides that. He was overwhelmed, stressed, tired. That caused him to not find space to make time for me, to love me. And yes, it was strong of me that I decided I deserved more, but shouldn’t I have cut him some slack? Sometimes there are going to be periods where one can’t give as much as the other. Now of course I felt that way a lot of times, but he still gave me as much as he could and he gave me things that I doubt someone else will. He accepted me completely as I am. I feel guilty for not having done the same. Maybe I’m just too emotional to think about this stuff right now and make a rational decision, but my Dad said relationships aren’t based on logic; they’re based on feelings. And he made me feel happy, most of the times. Maybe I need to explore things with him once again, just to see how I feel about it now. Maybe then I can fully let it go or give us another chance.
I know what I have to do to get over him but I don’t want to. I want him back, I think. At least I don’t want anybody else. I can’t imagine someone who is so awesome. I know it wasn’t perfect. But he is amazing. He learned. He grew. I’d rather wait for him than try to move on. And I know that sounds wrong and stupid and weak, but it’s how I feel.
“I don’t want nobody. Just you.” – Pose (S2E5)
Tea Time With Amber 