Last Thursday I performed at an Open Mic. Earlier I had come to the conclusion I should go outside more often. I’ve been stuck in my room for the most part of last month, partly because of my thesis, partly because I usually prefer my own company to that of others. But as easy as it is for me to get overwhelmed, it is equally possible I get underwhelmed. That is, experience a lack of stimuli. So I decided to do something new: read some of my poetry in a room where I don’t know anyone (mostly). And it was awesome! The adrenaline kept me going all night for the party I went to after and I got some sweet compliments about the poems I read. It felt so good to do something out of my comfort zone again. Also, in the process I met a really cool guy who is in exactly the same situation as me right now. So he asked me if he could read my poems again and we started talking about our break ups. Yesterday we had dinner together and it felt so good to talk to someone who knows exactly what you’re going through and is going through it at the same time. I instantly felt like I could just be myself with him and we concluded (after some hours of talking) we have a lot in common. It’s just nice to make a new guy friend without wondering what he wants from you. We both know it’s too early to start thinking about dating anyone else again.
He has the same struggle with wanting his ex back. At some points, he could talk so rationally about why it went wrong and that he actually saw it coming at the beginning of their relationship. And at others, he suddenly started thinking about trying again with her, because he has learned a lot from the relationship and wants to apply that, with her. And it felt like my reflection was talking to me, because my mind is playing the exact same tricks on me. You know somewhere deep down the reasons for breaking up were important enough for you to actually do it, but sometimes you start to think about how you could start again and do things differently, because your addiction to that person still exists.
However, lately I fall asleep with something other than him on my mind. The same goes for waking up. I love that progress. I still feel the need to contact him, but I also feel strong enough to resist that urge and to give myself more time. I’m still wondering how he’s doing every now and again, but the fact we haven’t talked for almost a month now is really helping me with letting go.
I also came to some other conclusions about my life. (If I said it once, I said it a thousand times: break ups are the best time for introspection and changing your life.) I’m going to gravitate a little more towards people who are naturally givers as well. I spent most of my time with my giving, empathetic friends in the last two weeks and they literally nourished my soul. I also felt the stark contrast between them and the friends that just take. They suck the life out of me. I’ve been letting that happen because I thought I enjoyed the giving, even if I got little to nothing back for it. I started to believe there were no people left who just did things for others, without gaining something from it. But my new friend cooked me dinner last night and helped me find my bike (that I lost Saturday), which are almost more selfless actions than I received from my ex in our entire relationship. If that isn’t a turn off I don’t know what is. So yes I still feel love for him and I mostly look back on all the good parts of our relationship, but that doesn’t mean I should be with him again.
“Pain fades. Unless you feed it.” – Once upon a Time (S4E17)
Tea Time With Amber 