Well, finally. It started to kick in. I’ve been thinking more about him the last couple of days. I was even able to cry again. Something I have been trying to get myself to do for a while but I was just not physically able to. So I’m not emotionally blocked anymore. Honestly, it was so annoying to not really feel the things I expected to feel. I have to admit it’s still not as intense as my emotions usually are, but it’s nice to know there is something of a process going on. Maybe it’s not so heavy because I give myself enough time to think, write and meditate. I guess that way it doesn’t build up and then crash down all over me.
I still feel okay with my decision, but I think at this point I’m starting to miss his company, his personality, his humour. I miss his voice and his laugh and that I-have-no-care-in-the-world walk of his. I read an article about personality types and I want to make him read it and convince him that I am an introvert, even though he always denies that. I saw a video uploaded by our favourite Youtubers and I want to save it to watch it with him. I’m scared he’ll walk past the shop I work in on his way to his best friend. Everywhere in my city I have memories with him. I’m scared I’ll never love someone like I loved him. His pictures still hang above my bed and I don’t know what to do with them. It feels like he’s watching me. And as weird as it is, it feels like he’s with me somehow. Is that unhealthy? I looked at them this morning and wished that if we can somehow still come together later in life, please let us.
It feels so unfair that we’ve had to say goodbye. Especially since I hear so many fucked up stories about the boyfriends of my friends. Boyfriends who cheat. Boyfriends who make their girls feel insecure about their bodies. Boyfriends who are annoyed by their girls being ill because “now they can’t have sex”. It makes me so sad and angry that these girls don’t stand up for themselves. It makes me wonder if it was wrong to let go of a genuinely good guy. Yes, he has to sort through some issues. Okay, a lot of big issues, but he’s a good person. He would never do anything to hurt anyone. And that seems to be an endangered species.
Of course I shouldn’t fall into the trap of thinking there is no one else out there for me. That’s what I believed after my first boyfriend and I fell in love again after him. Even harder and better. So I do believe that is possible for me again. But right now, I just don’t have a lot of faith in finding someone that matches my expectations.
“I can’t let you go. We just started.” – Pose (S2E4)
Tea Time With Amber 