Yesterday I called my sister and told her I’m still doing fine and that I feel confused about that. She said I sounded like that’s just how it is. She thinks it’s not coming later, and that maybe I started accepting this situation earlier than when we broke up. That could be true. I said I feel like a complete person and that the additional fun of having a relationship is gone now, but so are the less fun things about it and more importantly: I’m still a whole person.
However, even though I feel like my inner me is stable, I do feel a bit distanced from her. I believe a person is made up of experiences, memories and feelings. A big part of me is that I feel things very intensely. At certain points in my life I even had several breakdowns because I felt like there was nothing I could do against those overwhelming feelings and the sense that I wasn’t in control of them. So it’s not strange that I’m now confused those feelings aren’t here. When you prepare yourself for a storm with everything you can and not even a gush is coming your way, you feel imbalanced. It feels like I tried to set off firework and nothing happened. What do I do? Do I accept it and walk away? Or am I going to look at what went wrong, with the risk of severely wounding my eyesight? Looking at what’s wrong would probably be a metaphor for stirring the pot. Purposefully trying to get an emotional reaction out of myself by listening to sad music or looking at certain pictures. And to be honest, I have done that. But still, nothing.
I guess some part of the deep feelings is still in there, though. Because yesterday when I called my dad and he sounded like I had just interrupted him with something important, immediately tears started forming in my eyes. And this morning when I knocked on the half open door of my roommate to ask her something and she quite harshly said ‘no no no’, I felt a mixture of shame, rejection, irritation and jealousy. Shame, because I had interrupted her in an intimate moment. Rejection, because she was not so subtle with the letting me know I wasn’t wanted. Irritation, because she could have just closed the door. And jealousy, because I get the idea she’s having a lot of sex and meanwhile I don’t know how to navigate being single, sensitive, mistrusting and still wanting to be intimate. So I guess everything still works. But about that wanting to be intimate… I had planned a date last night. Okay, not a date date. But I was going to meet a guy I met during a night out and I was nervous. I was excited. I felt guilty. If a friend of mine would do this so soon after a break up, I think I’d be a tad judgemental. Also, if my used-to-be-boyfriend (I don’t like calling him my ‘ex’ yet) would find out I think he would be hurt. No, that’s not my responsibility anymore but I still care about him a lot. And I definitely wouldn’t like to hear that he was doing the same. But that’s hypocritical.
I’m allowed to have fun, I enjoyed last week being single and all. I kissed one of my friends and a random hot guy. And I don’t feel guilty about it. But I was worried about last night because I’m not really a casual sex person. That didn’t have to happen of course, but still, I wasn’t going there just to make new friends, I think. I had this gut feeling and I didn’t really know what to do with it. For me feeling nervous very closely resembles feeling something is off. And if it’s the latter, I should always listen because my alarm system is never wrong. I started to frame it this way: I wanted to find out if there were guys out there that I liked more and maybe I’d better start sooner than later? To find out if there’s nothing that can compare? Also, I just missed my freedom. Last minute though, the guy texted me he was tired and I felt relieved. Maybe I should take that as a sign I’m not ready yet.
“You gotta do what you can to feel good.” – Jane the Virgin (Ch. 80)
(If it wasn’t obvious yet, I’m a big fan of this series)
Tea Time With Amber 