So today I went to pick up my stuff at his place and his parents’ house. I was pretty nervous, but I told myself that it would only be as hard and sad as I would let it be. Hoping we could just meet as friends for this, and maybe talk a bit, I walked to his house. It was raining. Not real rain, but that gross kind of drizzling rain that makes you feel like you’re wearing half wet laundry. Perfect weather for this occasion I guess.
When I arrived he already stood in the door opening. That took me by surprise. I hugged him like I normally do and had to stop myself from giving him a kiss. That’s not appropriate anymore. Then I saw he had stalled out my stuff in the hallway behind him. So he didn’t want me to come in? I wasn’t accepting that. I didn’t come all the way here for 30 seconds. So I asked if I could check his room for myself. He told me he was cleaning up, but he allowed it. I found two more things that belonged to me and told him about a video he should watch from this youtuber we both like. And that was it. I went back downstairs, gave him one more hug and he said: ‘I’m gonna miss you.’ But it sounded flat, like he was describing the weather. So with heavy bags and a heavy heart I walked back to the station, to travel to his parents. But multiple times along the way, I cried. It felt so weird, like we had become total strangers. Strangers with a history, I could feel that, but strangers nonetheless.
When I got to his parents’ place I was received with a warm welcome, as usual. Tea, chocolate, and their lovely dogs were there to comfort me. I told them my side of the story and they listened, with pity in their eyes. They told me they really thought it is a shame we have made this decision, but they understand it and support it. They also explained to me that he was probably so cold to me this morning because he wants to shield himself against his own emotions, and that I should not think it’s not hurting him. So that was nice to hear, even though I kind of suspected that myself. His father was so kind to drive me and all my stuff back to my place and we talked and even laughed about the whole situation. He told me he and his wife had been apart for a while too, so you never know what might happen. But he also said he thought that probably someday I will be open to someone other than his son. He did say that he would like us to be friends in the future, if we can, because he liked having me around. I couldn’t have wished for a sweeter goodbye. When we arrived, he hugged me and said: ‘I’m glad I know you.’ Is it getting too sappy already? Don’t worry, that was it.
I don’t really feel a lot different than last week, even though this marked the closing of a chapter. But I think it’s just still not really hitting me. At the moment I am even so naive as to think it might not get any worse than this, that I am so strong I just don’t feel pain anymore, but that is probably rubbish. Maybe it’s the comfort I find in the thought that if we belong together, we will end up together. Maybe it’s just my way of processing things, slowly. Only time will tell, though.
“Maybe things work out when they’re supposed to. Maybe it’s all about timing.” – Once Upon A Time (S3:E21)
Tea Time With Amber 