We broke up on our two-year-anniversary. Bittersweet. Celebrating and grieving at the same time. I couldn’t have wished for a more mature and understanding conversation. We cried and hugged and decided it was time to say goodbye. The hardest reason to break up has to be that you don’t believe you want the same things in life. Still loving each other makes it so hard to say goodbye and so easy to doubt the decision. Besides, it’s dangerous because you hope that one day you’ll meet again and everything will be solved and you’ll live happily ever after.
When the door closed behind him, I ran back to my room, hysterically crying. My mother was the first one I called. She already knew this was probably going to happen, as did I. After maybe 10 minutes I abruptly stopped crying and thought out loud: ‘I’m okay now. I feel better.’ Which, of course, surprised me. I’d expected to cry for at least 3 more hours. But I didn’t, and I haven’t cried since then. You should know about me that I don’t find it hard to show my emotions. On the contrary, I couldn’t hide them even if I tried. I feel things very intensely and have to express my emotions immediately. But for the rest of the evening, which lasted until 03.00 in the morning because I went to the party I had planned, I felt really okay. I even had a lot of fun with my friends. One moment I was talking about it with one of them in someone’s bedroom and the next I was dancing with all of them in the living room again.
The morning after, I had been sitting on my bed trying to study for an hour or so. I finally managed to concentrate when I heard some sort of ticking on my window. For a few seconds, I hoped it would be him throwing small rocks against it to get my attention. For a few moments, I was sucked into a fantasy. I’d walk out onto the balcony and see him standing in the garden. He’d be holding his guitar that would be plugged into a massive boombox. Then he’d start singing our song to win me back. Within seconds I realised this was complete and utter nonsense. We only broke up yesterday. Also, he’d never ever do that. Sometimes my livid fantasies can be pretty annoying.
But you know what’s even more annoying? When people you know really well and still assume you’re trying to put on a good face because you don’t like looking vulnerable or some crap. If you know me at all, you know I laugh hard when I’m happy, and cry uncontrollably when I’m sad. If I were upset, you’d definitely know. But the fact that I don’t look super sad after a break up makes people confused and the only explanation they can come up with is that I must be holding it in. Probably I’m so annoyed because I just want people to believe me when I say something. I’m honest about my feelings, always. So just listen and accept it, even if it’s not what you expected.
Today I had to work; I work in a clothing shop at the central station of my town. I dreaded having to listen the music in the store. He and I have so many songs together and you bet a couple are played every time I’m there. I had been enjoying my okayness so much and didn’t want to feel the deep sorrow I knew deep down was still coming for me. But on the other hand I had been feeling confused about not feeling that sad yet. What does it mean if I don’t get that feeling at all? Does that mean it all meant nothing? Should it always hurt when it’s over? Or could it be I have become so independent during our relationship that the blow I was expecting isn’t coming? And then, our song came on. Not one of them, our ULTIMATE LOVE SONG we listened to on our first date. I panicked. I told my coworker I needed to go to the bathroom and vowed to stay there as long as the song was playing. But then, I changed my mind and stayed and I could actually handle it. Again, confusion and even guilt came over me. Why didn’t it have any impact on me? An hour or so later, a new song came on I’d only heard once or twice before in the store. “Memories” by Maroon 5. And I don’t know why, but suddenly my lips started to tremble a bit and I felt a little bit gloomy. Almost immediately though, that changed into relief. I was happy I finally felt something about it.
“Sometimes I just feel so guilty about living. Being joyful, when he’s not here to share it with me.” – Jane the Virgin (Ch 70)
Tea Time With Amber 